It’s difficult for me to get over my father’s betrayal: Mallika Sherawat

Mallika Sherawat is a woman who dared. She is impatient, stubborn and self-spoilt. She is extremely disciplined and is anal about her vegan food. She has a soulmate in her brother and knows that she is confident but vulnerable. Much as one thinks that she stays in LA, she actually still lives in Mumbai. She opens up to TOI just ahead of her upcoming show 'The Bachelorette India — Mere Khayalon Ki Mallika' on Life OK, about the role of Jackie Chan in shaping her destiny, her love for the joint family system and how she still longs for her father to accept her. Excerpts:

Let's talk about your childhood?
I am from a small village in Haryana called Moth. My father was an engineer with the Haryana government and we were a normal middle-class joint family. After completing my primary education from Nirvana, I moved to Delhi due to my father moving there and went to DPS Mathura Road and then Miranda House. I was brought up in an extremely patriarchal and male dominated house. Women were just meant to breed and girls from good families were not supposed to work and there was a stigma attached to it. My mom lived with me in Delhi and we would go to the village over the weekends. Right from my childhood, I would stand in front of the mirror and copy Madhuri's steps in Ek Do Teen but my mom would never encourage it and she would always ask me to cook or say, 'paath padho'. I don't remember a single night when my father allowed me to stay over at a friend's place while I was in Delhi. I saw most of my cousin sisters around me being in very violent alliances. It started affecting me. Some of my friends had got married to men just to keep the respect of their parents. They were not allowed to complete their education and would just be waiting for their husbands. There was money, but money is not a substitute for freedom. That kind of made my resolve more strong. I realised that I had only one life and ran away from home to chase my dreams to become an actress in Mumbai.

How did your family deal with that?
My father (Mukesh Lamba) absolutely disowned me and disallowed me to even use his last name. So I had no choice but to use my mom's maiden name Sherawat and from Reema Lamba, I became Mallika Sherawat.

Has he accepted you now?
Not really and it is still unresolved with him. A couple of years back, there was an assassination attempt on me for saying that in Haryana, women are treated like cattle at which point my brother got worried and shifted in with me to look after me. My father's relatives would have taunted him and said, 'badchallan hai, family ke muh pe kala daag hai', but I still felt very alone and hurt as anything could have happened to me then but still he did not call me. Now that I am more mature, there is no resentment, but there is still anger and lot of hurt in me. My brother Vikram has always been attached to me and is my soulmate. After a while I started seeing my father in him and he became my pillar of strength. So much time has gone by and God has given you so much but you never recover from that pain. It's difficult to get over my father's betrayal as a protector that you expect as a young girl. I am his blood and who else can you look up to if not your own father? I am very attached to my mom. Moms are softer but can't be blamed as they do exactly what their husbands tell them as they are too gullible. She visits us in Mumbai when she can. While my mother does not tell me directly, I get a feeling my father is softening and I just want my father to love me again.

What makes you most proud?
I sold the little jewellery my nani had given me to come to Mumbai. I struggled and stayed in a hole in Juhu from where I would go and give my auditions. The AC bus from Lokhandwala to town used to cost `50 that pinched me, so I started going in trains. I landed a car brand ad with Shah Rukh Khan through which I got noticed. I auditioned against many girls and landed my first role in Khwahish. The way I look at it, the place I come from where women don't even get a chance in life, the very fact that I can pay my own bills and am independent is my biggest success. I don't want anything else.

Talk about your brother?
He is very calm unlike me. I am hyper and have no patience. He will always take a deep breath and thinks before he talks. I always blurt out everything that comes in my mouth and never regret anything I say.

You have gone from Haryana to Hollywood. What do you connect with more?
The memories that always come back to me are those from my village. I am a daughter of the soil who loves joint families. I don't like the culture of the nuclear family and remember how everyone would get together for dinner, bitching and gossiping and laughing with the taus and tais. My being headstrong and wanting to do my own thing comes from there.

How did you get into Hollywood?
Jackie Chan has a big hand in shaping my destiny there. He cast me in his film. Everyone says it was just a two-minute role but I want to know which Indian actor in any case had a larger role. I am still in touch with him. He is very simple, humble and very naughty and very charitable. He reminds me of a Chinese emperor as he always has an entourage of 100 people with him. Whenever I meet him or take my friends to meet him, he is so warm. Like me, he too comes from humble beginnings and is a self-made man. He has a spring in his feet and can't stay put in one place. He knows my story and encourages me and has put his entire PR machinery behind me in LA as I cultivated that kind of bond with him. He has a great marriage and I spent some time with his family in Hong Kong.

Do you find a difference between Indian and international journalists?
The majority of the journalists in India who call themselves journalists are just gossip columnists. They don't quote you correctly and don't feel a sense of responsibility. Internationally, they are more responsible and they don't misquote you. Here I feel they are in this job as they did not get a job anywhere else but internationally, they are well educated and well researched when they meet you.

Have you fallen in love?
Only once and had a heartbreak. That was my first love. It took me years to recover and it was traumatic. People assume I am strong but the fact is that I have not found true love yet and am extremely lonely. Every Indian man you meet treats you like a trophy and cannot see you beyond your kisses and your body. That is a struggle for me. I am hoping I find that someone special on camera through my show that I was not able to find off-camera. And I am enjoying it, even if it is make-believe attention. These boys from morning to night would keep saying 'I love you' and I loved it. I am such a sucker for romance. And you do have the feeling that it is not real but when one of the boys actually held me in his arms at Taj Mahal I actually thought I am Mumtaz Mahal. But reality hits you when you come home to empty walls. Even though it's just a dating show, I am open to the fact that if I like the person a lot, then I don't mind giving it a fair chance.

After Murder, why did you not work with the Bhatts again?
I hold Bhatt sahab in high esteem. He was always there for me and I adore him. It was my fault that after Murder, I had started flying too high. I had these filmi secretaries who influenced my mind so even though I was offered Gangster, I landed up not doing it for money reasons. That strained my relationship with the Bhatts and was a sad chapter in my life. I still miss Bhatt sahab.

Is it a conscious decision for you to not do Bollywood?
I want to do Bollywood films, but I feel trapped in my screen image. It's difficult for some directors to see beyond that. I am not a party person. I go to bed by 10 at night and get up in the morning at 6 to do my yoga and lead a very disciplined and boring life. I have never compromised myself as a woman to get a role and never will. That is one of the main reasons I am not getting work. I have had some big stars calling me to say, 'If you do this, we will get you this.' But Bhatt sahab taught me one thing, 'you don't become gold by touching gold. You should not piggyback your career on a hero's back as he will drop you with the coming of the next young actress.' I can proudly say, that whatever be my career, it is mine. I do item numbers for commercial reasons. As a single woman, I need to take care of myself and they pay handsomely. I have not even had a rumoured link-up in Bollywood. I don't have a filmy boyfriend to put me in 10 films. Due to my on-screen image, men prejudge me and take liberties with me. In reality, I feel hurt by it and it humiliates me. Just because I have a glamorous image on screen, why should I be judged? That's my work.